Terrible Twos Survival Guide

A real mom's field notes

Hey there, Moxie Mommas!

I used to think the "terrible twos" were just an urban legend… a dramatic exaggeration from overwhelmed parents.

Then, reality hit. Hard.

Like, why is my toddler screaming over a spoon hard.

When I was pregnant, eagerly awaiting the birth of my first child, I had a vision of what my life would be like as a parent. Basically, it went something like what girls are made of: Sugar and spice and everything nice. (I was expecting a girl.)

Yes, I’d heard the whispers about the "terrible twos," but in my mind, it was just a myth made up by some dysfunctional family, trying to cover up the chaos that had become their life.

Spoiler alert: it’s not a myth.

By the time I was expecting my fourth child, I had fully accepted that the "terrible twos" were a universal truth. And as her second birthday approached, panic set in and three words consumed my brain:

Not. This. Again!

That’s when I came up with a brilliant plan: I started telling her she was turning THREE. (For the record, this experiment was a complete fail. Turns out, there’s no skipping the terrible twos.)

Since there’s no avoiding them, I thought it might be helpful to break down the six stages of a toddler tantrum, because, in many ways, parenting is like driving. Knowing how to read the signs can make all the difference.

And here they are… The 6 stages of toddler tantrums

Stage 1: The Initial Explosion

This is that triggering event that is often just as surprising as the explosion itself. One day you’re giving your toddler a bowl of corn flakes for breakfast, and all is… well, sugar and spice and everything nice. The next day the same cereal in the same bowl with the same damn spoon and the breakfast table becomes ground zero for a toddler revolution. It’s awesome.

Stage 2: The Point of No Return

At this point your inner monologue is screaming: WHO IS THIS CHILD? and HOW DO I SCHEDULE AN EXORCIST? You try everything. Comforting. Ignoring. Walking out of the room. Nothing works. This is because your flailing child can’t hear you. They're lost in a toddler vortex of illogical despair.

Stage 3: The Full-Blown Meltdown

This is when fear sets in. How is my child throwing themselves on the floor and not getting a concussion? How do I get close without taking a foot to the face? (When you figure this one out, please let me know so that I can share it with other parents. The answer to this mystery is in great demand, across all countries and cultures.)

Stage 4: The Peak Performance

This is stage drama at its very finest with exaggerated gestures, wailing, collapsing theatrically. What else can I say? Except perhaps it’s time to call Hollywood because your child deserves an Academy freaking Award.

Stage 5: Negotiation Tactics

From bargaining to pleading, at this point you’d gladly give up a portion of your liver to make the madness stop. (But only a SMALL portion. You’ll need the rest for the bottle of wine you’ll be drinking after bedtime.)

Stage 6: The Aftermath

This is the calm after the storm. And while you may be exhausted, perhaps even exasperated, your toddler is back to their usual, happy self, ready to colour, lego, and ask for a snack. The word “baffled” was invented to describe parents during this special stage of a terrible two meltdown.

You’re not alone

Why am I sharing this with you? Because when I first started living through these moments of pure… *cough* hell, I blamed myself. I wondered what I was doing wrong. How could my sweet child be all sugar and spice one minute and act like Satan’s spawn the next?

Turns out, this is completely normal behavior. It’s not your fault. It’s not bad parenting. It’s just toddler life. The best thing you can do? Be prepared. Because like it or not, tantrums WILL happen. And stopping them is like putting the brakes on the Titanic.

My hope is that this newsletter gives you a little peace of mind and the confidence to know you’ve got this, Mama.

Do you have a tantrum survival strategy? Share your funniest (or most chaotic) toddler meltdown story. I’d love to send you a virtual hug.

###

Mona Andrei is an award-winning humour blogger and author known for her entertaining perspective on life’s quirks. In her most recent book, SUPERWOMAN: A Funny and Reflective Look at Single Motherhood, she shares a personal journey filled with challenges and triumphs, intertwining stories and insights from other single mothers.

When Mona isn't writing, you’ll find her practicing her dance moves. As a member of a competitive hip hop team, she likes to think that she'll stay young and cool forever. She may be delusional.